Merry Christmas

Wow, where has the time gone? Now I understand when people say the first 6 weeks or so go by in a blur. Time has little meaning to me now and I never know what day or time it even is. I can't believe Benjamin has been here for 12 days! It seems like he was just born but also like he has always been here, if that even makes sense. I'm pretty delirious these days but I guess that's what happens when you only get a few hours of sleep every night. It's been quite tough but we're adjusting to parenthood! I've had some breastfeeding issues, to say the least. No one told me it would be this hard! I ended up with a pretty serious infection and am currently pumping around the clock. We've also had to give him formula for 2 days (gasp!) due to the medications I was given, which I'm not happy about but today is the last day of that. Then we'll be back to giving him my pumped milk and hopefully will be able to move back to breastfeeding, if all of this bottlefeeding hasn't ruined my breastfeeding chances completely. I just have to say that I don't understand how single parents do this. Since Benjamin has been on the bottle for the past few days, it has given Rob the opportunity to take half of the night shifts, of which I am very grateful! My mom, grandma, and sister have also been down constantly to help cook, clean, and take care of things and I don't know what I would do without them here. My grandma and sister go home in a few days but my mom will still be able to help a ton. Rob is just working about an hour a day right now but will need to get back into the swing of things here soon, which means he'll need more sleep...which means I'm in trouble!

Other than that, we are just enjoying our little guy! We are so in love with him and I look at him every day amazed that he came out of me and that he's alive and he's ours. :) We had a nice quiet Christmas at our house with my mom, grandma, and sister. It was also the 1 year anniversary of my dad's passing, so while it felt like he was missing, I am confident that he is with my girls right now and hopefully they were all watching over us.

His nursery is finally almost finished, but there are still a few unfinished details. Hopefully it will be done in the next week or so and then I'll get some pictures up. It's so cute. :)

I meant to get on here sooner but you know how it goes. Here are more pictures of our little miracle.

Christmas Eve

The best Christmas present ever

All of my loves :)

First family pic!

Birth Story & Pics :)

Here's my birth story:

So last night my friends gave me some of Dave's Insanity Sauce, which is the hottest hot sauce ever! I think it was that, among other things ;) that brought on my labor at 5:30am. I awoke to some contractions that were 5 minutes apart and painful, which is similar to what happened last Friday while I was getting ready for my appointment. I got my ipod out and listened to my relaxation scripts and timed the contractions, which were 5 minutes apart for an hour. At 6:30am I figured I better take a shower if I wanted one and Rob woke up to find out what was going on. I told him to get ready because I thought this was it. I also told him that he didn't have time for a shower. :) We went into the garage, I opened the car door to get in and our dog, Bailey, jumped right into the front seat to go with us! She would never normally that, so it was really funny to see her reaction to what was going on. We got on the road and arrived at the hospital at about 7:30am. They put me in a triage room to monitor me and my water broke at 7:50am. I was 4cm dilated and 80% effaced at this point. They sent me to a labor room and got me all set up. My mom and doula were there at this point and I was just sipping water and breathing through contractions, which were about 3-4 minutes apart. They got really intense really fast and by 10am or so I thought I might die. Really. I was so not strong, it was sad. I begged for the epidural...many times! My doula was SO amazing and kept redirecting me but by 10:30am we decided I would get checked again to give me some encouragement on how far along I was. I was only 5 1/2 cm...not exactly what I was looking for. That convinced me that I couldn't go on for another minute and demanded some drugs. They called in the anesthesiologists to come give me a consult. Then they had me go empty my bladder to help ease the contractions a little. As soon as I sat down, I felt like I needed to push but I was literally just checked and was only 5 1/2 cm. So I sat on the toilet for about an hour and breathed my baby down. The anesthesiologist gave me a consult in between killer contractions while I sat on the toilet and said that was a first for them, since I refused to get up. They were super busy so wouldn't be able to come back for about an hour or so, so my doula and I both knew I wouldn't be getting any drugs. I knew that the baby was coming down, which seemed impossible since I was not dilated enough; but I reached in and felt his head only an inch away from crowning. I never shared this with the nurse because my doula said the nurse would never let me stay on the toilet to push. A little after 11am, my nurse finally said I needed to come back to bed because she was having a hard time keeping his heart rate on the monitor, so I stood up and everyone saw that he was now crowning. They immediately called my OB to come ASAP so that he wouldn't miss the birth (he would've been upset). I labored on my knees while holding on with my arms to the top of the inclined bed. My OB got there quickly, and I pushed for about 20 more minutes in that position. He was born at 11:52am and was 8 lbs, 13 oz, and 20.5 inches long. I ended up with a 2nd degree tear, which is probably because he came so darn fast. I'm happy to say that I delivered with no drugs, which was my goal, but if my labor had been an hour longer than it was, that wouldn't have happened! The important thing is that he is here and he's healthy...and he's ours! :)

I'm also happy to say that he shares a birthday with his oldest sister, Makenna, who was stillborn 2 years ago today. I think it is very sweet that they were born on the same day. It is so surreal to stare at him and know that he just came out of my body and that he is finally here. It has been such a long journey and I am happy that I was able to share the stories of my children with so many people. The encouragement and prayers from everyone that has followed our story has been amazing and I am thankful for all of you. It is also amazing to watch Rob with our son...he is truly a natural and it is adorable. We feel SO blessed!

Here are some pics to enjoy. :)

Benjamin Samuel


After delivery

Rob & Ben


New Grandma, Ben & Me

And his name is...

After prayerful consideration, we have chosen his name: Benjamin Samuel Cline! To God be the glory for bringing our little child into this world. Words cannot express the joy of seeing and holding our son...

Benjamin means "favored son", or literally "son of my right hand". Samuel means "...because I asked of God". The Historical account of Hannah in the Old Testament is the root of our choosing this name. After much difficulty bearing a child, she fervently asked of God to give a son to her, and God answered her prayer. In response, she dedicated her son to God. Samuel grew up to be a great prophet and righteous servant of God all the days of his life. Our prayer for our son, in dedicating his life to our Heavenly Father, is that he be a righteous and wise man of God, truly worthy of being named after Samuel.

Benjamin was the youngest son of Jacob (Israel), who Jacob favored and held dear to his heart after "losing" Joseph, the only other son of his beloved wife, Rachel. Benjamin grew into a warrior tribe of skilled marksmen who were deft at defending Israel for generations. Apparently a fighter and defender of the Nation of Israel, Benjamin is a fitting name for our little tuff-guy, who has shown us his energetic "fighting" spirit throughout Jenell's pregnancy with his constant activity.

Thank you Lord, for this precious gift.

Rob & Jenell

He is born!

Well, I was going to give an update around 10:40 am, but things happened so fast! Our little boy is here! He is a healthy 8 lbs, 13 oz, 20.5 inches, and cute as can be. Jenell did awesome, and things are beautiful with her and our little guy both. Mommy is peaceful, relaxed, and our son is already latching and nursing at less than an hour old. Jenell did it naturally! Of course there were second thoughts when dealing with all the pain of labor, but things moved along so quickly that she just braved through it, and our son was born at 11:52 am. It was amazing to hear his first little cry, and we are so very happy and blessed =)

His name announcement will be next... Thank you everyone for your prayers, love, and positive encouragement. We are blessed to have such wonderful friends, family and blog buddies.

Rob

In Labor! :)

This is Rob, Jenell's husband. As the title states, we are in the maternity ward now, and Jen is in labor. I am sitting here by her side, and she is doing so great! She has asked me to update the blog every so often to let y'all know the play-by-play, so stay tuned...

Contractions started at 5;30 am this morning, and we made it to the hospital around 7:30 am, through rush hour traffic. Jen's water broke around 8 am, and contractions have been getting more frequent and painful; but Jen is a tough cookie. Her/our plan is to birth naturally, so your prayers for strength and pain relief are much appreciated :)

More to come soon...

Rob

38 weeks

Ok, I know that I sound like a broken record, but I can't believe I'm still pregnant. I definitely start getting a ton of contractions when I'm walking a lot, but they always go away. I actually thought I might be in labor yesterday morning because while getting ready for my appointment, I had contractions 5 minutes apart and they were painful. By the time I got to my OB's for a regular appointment, they totally stopped! I'll continue to see my OB twice a week for NST's but he won't be checking my cervix again until I'm 40 weeks, so I don't know if anything has changed since he removed the cerclage. He also won't induce until 41 weeks, which is 2010! There are many reasons that I don't want that to happen so this next week I'm pulling out all the stops. I'll be bouncing on my birth ball, doing squats, walking a lot, and even eating a fresh pineapple...we'll see if he gets the eviction notice. :)

I was told that babies tend to move less starting around 36 weeks because they run out of room, but not the case for this guy. He just keeps getting stronger and continues to move constantly...and I'm not exaggerating. I have seen so many medical people during this pregnancy (OB, peri's, nurses, u/s techs) and literally every single one has commented on how insanely active he is. For everyone that knows how Rob was growing up, you know that means we're in trouble! :)

I can also officially say that I'm really excited! I wish I could have gone through this entire pregnancy feeling that way, but at least I'm there now. God has brought me this far and has given me peace. I'm trying to be patient, but that's not working so well. The farther I get with this pregnancy it also makes me miss the girls that much more because I missed out on getting this far with them. I know after he's born it will be even harder too but I'll just have to deal with that as it comes. I know it's not going to be easy.

37 1/2 weeks

So I had another appointment today and there's no change. I'm still 2 cm dilated and my cervix is long! How that is possible, I have no idea. I've spent the last 6 months trying to keep this guy in here and have been praying for a long cervix and now I can't believe that the cerclage is out and I'm not even effaced. My contractions are still about 15 minutes apart and sometimes go to 10 minutes apart but no closer than that. They are definitely getting painful though, so I guess that is some progress. In fact, even his kicks are starting to get painful, but I still love them!

We got 6 inches of snow the other day, which is not normal at all for this area! It was really cool to have so much snow and it was really pretty. Here's a picture of our backyard full of snow.

I also took a belly picture today at 37 1/2 weeks. I'm up 27 pounds now but honestly feel like a whale. I seriously waddle everywhere and it's hard to sit and stand up. I'm definitely in the uncomfortable stages, but it's really not that bad.

Full term

Oh how I've longed to hear those words. I never thought I would ever make it to full term and here I am. I'm finally home from the hospital after having the cerclage removed this morning. It took about 20 minutes and I can't even begin to tell you how excruciating the pain was. It was worse than any of my past labors. If my labor and delivery are easier than this was, I'm good to go...if it's worse, then I'm in trouble. My OB felt horrible when he was done and saw me crying and I told him how bad the pain was. He asked why I didn't tell him to stop to give me something but the truth is, I didn't want another epi. He would have had to stop, take me to the OR, call in the anesthesiologist, give me the epi, wait for it to work and then I would have been there all afternoon waiting for the thing to wear off! I'm just so glad it's over.

So then he checked me and I'm 2 cm dilated, which isn't surprising. I was contracting about every 8 minutes but then it went down to every 10 minutes, so they released me. I'm supposed to come back when they're 5 minutes apart, but that could still be weeks away, which is what my OB is hoping. Me...not so much. I think I'm finally ready for him. Honestly though, now I'm terrified of labor. What if I can't do it? I know some people think it's not that important but it is really important to me to bring him into this world without drugs in his system. Yes, I've heard it all and I do know that 'I won't get a medal' and 'there's no reason to suffer', but it's just something that I feel really strongly about for us. I also know the most important thing is that he's alive and he's healthy. If I ask for pain meds or end up with a c-section, I realize it's not the end of the world...but that doesn't mean I won't cry just a little. :)

T-2 Days

The cerclage is coming out in 2 days!! The procedure is at 9am at the hospital and it shouldn't take long at all. My OB said he'll check me afterwards to see if I'm dilated at all and then they'll send me home! Some people go into labor a few days after removal and some go all the way to 40 weeks or even later. I would love to be somewhere in the middle but I guess all we can do is wait and see. Every person is different so there is just no way to know. Had another NST today and all is looking good.

I finally feel like I'm ready to go...the hospital bag is completely packed, the room is ready, the clothes are washed and the car seat is installed. I've still been randomly cleaning and organizing around the house and I just made my first meal to freeze last night. A couple more meals to go and then I'm all set. I'm not sure if I can say I'm emotionally ready, but I may never be. Just thinking about him actually being here still feels overwhelming and surreal, but I'm also really excited. I just can't wait to meet him!

I also want to add (just for you Shay) that when I do actually go into labor I had already planned on bringing the computer so that I can update along the way. I'm pretty sure my labor is going to go quick but you just never know. I'm a dork like that and definitely want pictures and notes to document everything for as long as I can. We'll see how it goes though.

36 weeks

T-5 days until the cerclage comes out!! 36 weeks and I'm still feeling pretty good. The contractions are definitely continuing to get stronger and more frequent, especially in the evenings. Other than that, I'm good. The sciatic nerve pain still hurts but I'm so used to it now that I just ignore it. I had another NST today and everything looks great. I'm now measuring 38 weeks and I only gained 1/2 a pound this week...during Thanksgiving week! I sure wish my metabolism was always like this. I also had my second appointment with my doula today and it went really well. We reviewed my birth plan and she gave me a wonderful foot massage. :)

I also wanted to say thank you to everyone for your encouragement on the daycare. I was definitely having a downer of a day when I wrote my last post and was feeling overwhelmed. After discussing many options, we've decided that the first step is that I will request to reduce my hours and work part-time from home. This will be a stretch financially but totally doable after we tweak our spending habits and reduce in some areas. Rob will also watch him one day a week and make up his hours throughout the week and weekend, which is a plus of owning a business. If work approves my request for 3 days a week and Rob watches him 1 day, that only leave 2 days where we need some type of daycare, which I can definitely live with. Our best friend's daughter goes a woman that runs a home daycare that is only about 2 miles away from us and they absolutely love her. She's going to be the first on the list for our options but I'm also going to look into hiring a college student to come into our home 2 days a week to watch him, which would really be awesome, since I would be here. So anyway, that is now the new plan and we are feeling very comfortable with it. I'll just be praying that it all falls into place and that the perfect person comes available.

35 weeks

Not too much news to report at 35 weeks. I've been having Non-Stress Tests (NSTs) twice a week and they've all been going great. He's passing with flying colors each time. As of today I'm measuring 37 weeks and I've gained 24 pounds! I'm finally packing it on...but hopefully not too much. :) So I finally got the cerclage removal scheduled and it's not until Saturday, December 5th! I'll be exactly 37 weeks that day. I was really hoping for earlier in the week, but his schedule was full. He was thinking we would go to the hospital to have it done so he picked Saturday. Normally he just removes it in the office, but since mine was placed so high, which is good, and it's still way up there, he said he'll need some instruments at the hospital. He also mentioned that he won't be using any anesthesia and it might be uncomfortable to remove due to the placement. Oh joy...can't wait for that. I've had some spotting on and off for about a week now but my cervix is still closed and I'm not dilated at all, so he's not worried. All I can do is plug along and wait for this little guy to come.

I've also come to the realization this week that I need to start looking into daycare options. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. I know some people choose to go back to work and are happy with that decision, but I feel like it is not a choice for me. Maybe a few years ago it would have been fine for me to continue working and I may not have minded as much, but everything is different now. I can't even bear the thought of having to leave him with a stranger and thinking about it makes me depressed. I do work from home, which is great, so I was hoping for some type of nanny in the home, but after further research it seems to be financially unattainable at the moment. For those that don't already know, I also plan to selectively vaccinate and cloth diaper, which may be really tricky with certain daycare options. I know those two subjects warrant a post on it's own and I'm very passionate about both so I'm sure that will come later. :) Anyway, I'm just really starting to face reality this week and it has put me in a not so happy place. I am the only source of income for our family so I feel a lot of pressure with that. I wanted my husband to be able to follow his dream of owning a business, so that is why we are in this situation. We're in our second year with the business and have never paid ourselves a penny because we're still trying to build it up. I hate to complain and don't want to sound selfish, because I feel very blessed and lucky to be where we are, it's just a lot of pressure. All I can do is give it all to God and continue to pray about it. I guess stressing doesn't help anything! Sorry for the rant...

Maternity Photos

I wanted to share some of the maternity photos that I had taken at 31 weeks. Here are some of my favorites!

34 weeks!

Wow, another week down. From here on out, if I go into labor, they're not going to stop me, so that is scary and exciting! Contractions are all the same, but I have had some pulling and pain down there and 1 day I had a little spotting, so my OB thinks my cervix might finally be starting to change and it's pulling on the stitch. Scary! I still have another 2 weeks before the cerclage comes out so hopefully nothing major happens before then. I know someone that just had their cerclage removed and they went into labor and delivered the next day! That makes me think he could be here is 2-3 weeks. It still doesn't seem real to me...at all. I see pictures of babies born at 34 or 35 weeks and they look so cute and perfect and I keep thinking to myself "there's no way my baby could look like that". It's just so hard to imagine.

My nesting has finally kicked in, which is bad since I'm supposed to take it easy. I've been tackling little things each day, like cleaning and reorganizing the laundry room, so that I have room for the drying rack that I just ordered. I've been wanting one forever and with cloth diapers, I'm going to need one. I also cleaned and organized our home office, which was a huge task and was a little too much for one day. I paid for it big time with a ton of contractions. I also finally started washing some baby clothes and blankets so that I could pack stuff for the hospital bag. That was a huge step, although I'm still not removing any tags from the few new things I have. I'm making Rob bring in the dresser/changing table today so that I can start putting things away. That also scares me a little but I'm excited to put stuff away and the practical me really wants to get things ready. This is all so unreal to me. I can't even explain how emotionally draining it is.

Still waiting for my maternity CD, so I decided I should probably take another picture. Here I am at 34 weeks!

I also wanted to add that I'm super excited about a new book that is coming out. There is a blog I follow (see Bring the Rain on the sidebar). The author is the wife of the lead singer of a group called Selah (didn't know about them when we named the girls). They lost their daughter as well and she started a blog and she finally wrote a book about it. This sounds like the exact type of book that I was looking for after I lost each of the girls and was never able to find one. I'm actually not sure when it's coming out, but I'll be stalking Amazon, since it's on pre-order right now. Just wanted to share because I'm really excited about reading it. I think it's going to touch and bless a lot of people.

33 weeks

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers on the girl's birthday. I think I cried more the day before thinking about it than I did on the actual day. This time of year is so hard for me. Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorite time of year, but I've also lost my three girls and my dad during this season. I'm just praying so hard that we can have something to celebrate and be happy about.

Another week down...not too many to go! I really don't have much to report this week. I had an appointment on Thursday and things still look good. My symptoms are all getting worse but are still normal apparently. Adding to the list are the increasing Braxton Hicks, cramps, pressure, the 'vagina ninjas' (you can imagine what these feel like), numb left side from the sciatic nerve, shortness of breath, exhaustion, and the worst heartburn I've ever had. I'm pretty sure I grunt every time I sit down or try to get up and I can barely put on socks and shoes. As annoying as all of this is, I am still relishing in the fact that I'm pregnant. I truly never imagined I would ever be this pregnant and it's amazing. I also can't believe how strong this little guy is. He kicks so hard! I love watching my belly contort to really weird shapes, like there is an alien in there trying to escape. The other day I got a kick so far on my side it was almost in my back! How in the world is he able to kick me in the back?!

So a few things my OB has told me. After 34 weeks (next Sat!), if I go into labor, they will remove the cerclage and not stop labor. That's next week! He also told me that unless there is a medical necessity, he will not induce me until I'm 41 1/2 weeks. Eeek! Please pray for in between. Cerclage is still coming out between 36-37 weeks, which is right after Thanksgiving. I cannot wait.

Sorry, no pictures this week either, but some are coming soon. I actually had some maternity pictures taken at 31 weeks and I was just able to look at them. As soon as my CD with the pictures gets here, I will post some of my favorites!

Happy Birthday Alexis & Ashlen

Well, today it has been an entire year since my girls were here. I just can't believe it was a whole year ago that I held them. It really seems like yesterday and all of the emotions that I felt on that day are still right on the surface. I miss them more than I can explain. I was going to make some cupcakes and of course didn't have the ingredients. I didn't feel like going to get them either and I really wasn't planning on leaving the house today but Rob and I decided to go out to lunch. We also decided that we would like to eventually bury all three of our girls and get a headstone made for them, since we feel like the area we live in now is where we will stay. After lunch we visited a local cemetery to get some information. I knew it was expensive but that sure was a little shocking! We have always wanted to buy some property so we're thinking that we will wait until we have some land and then bury them on our property and get a headstone at that time. I would much rather have them close than at a cemetery and then we wouldn't have to pay for a plot. And since I still haven't paid the huge hospital bill for their delivery (which I received a full 11 months after the fact!), a headstone won't be happening anytime soon. I am just as content having them here at home though, so that is where they will stay for now.

I also want to say, please think before you make comments to a grieving mother. I know everyone means well and sometimes just don't know what to say, but if I'm talking about my girls, comments that mention me being pregnant again do not make me feel any better or overshadow the fact that my girls are not here. I know I am hormonal and emotional but these comments are hurtful. Being pregnant does not make this any easier, and in fact, sometimes I think it makes it even harder. Even if I go on to have 10 healthy children here on earth, it will not take away the pain that I have three girls in heaven. If your child died and someone said, 'well, at least you have other healthy children', would that comfort you? If your mom died and someone said, 'well, at least you have your dad right?', would that comfort you? Call me crazy, but I don't think it would. People cannot be replaced. I know it may not make sense to people unless they've been there, so I don't hold it against anyone. I just want people to try and understand that certain comments just don't help. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I just had to say it.

32 weeks

Another week down and nothing exciting to share. No news is good news! I don't have my next appointment until Thursday and I'll be pretty proud of myself for going 2 whole weeks. No more ultrasounds though, so all he'll do is measure the belly, weigh me, and check the heartbeat. So far I'm up 20 pounds, which I think is still pretty good, so hopefully I don't blow up like a balloon in the home stretch. This guy is still super active, which makes me a happy mamma. :) My cerclage is coming out in 4 weeks and I can't wait! It's crazy to think he could be here in just a month from now. Maybe it's really going to happen! I also can't wait to go for some walks and get a little exercise...among other things that I won't mention. ;)

I'm also so excited because my best friend's sister-in-law has two young boys and is done having kids and has decided to give all of her stuff to me! I am SO grateful and can't wait...it will be like Christmas only way better. Some family has also offered me some stuff, which I will gladly take! I feel so much better knowing that I don't have to have a shower but I also don't have to go broke. I love people's generosity.

31 weeks

Another week down! Every week is such a huge milestone for me and I have to say that I finally find myself becoming a teensy bit excited as the weeks start to go by. I am trying so hard to realize that this pregnancy is different and there is no reason why anything would go wrong at this point. It's still a process though. So I had an appointment on Friday and have lots to share. First, I did get a growth ultrasound (possibly my last one!) and this guy is now 3lbs. 9oz! I can't believe he's so big. Well, I guess that's not really too big but all I can picture are my little 1lb babies. He's measuring a week ahead and is looking great. We got a front view face picture and he finally doesn't look like a scary skeleton since he's got some meat on his bones. He also has the hugest cheeks ever, which definitely comes from me. I also got my last cervical ultrasound and have been officially discharged from the peri's office. My cervical length has actually decreased quite a bit (from 4.5 to 3.2) but anything above 3 is still considered normal, so I'm on the low end of normal. I'm trying not to worry about it since I'm so far along now and I know that the cervix will start to shorten the closer I get.

My Braxton Hicks are definitely coming more frequently now and I would say I'm getting 15-20 a day. They are also getting much stronger and sometimes are really uncomfortable. As I've mentioned before, I'm still working full time from the couch, which is starting to do a number on my back, since I'm lounging back on the couch with a laptop on my legs all day. Due to all of this, by OB decided it was time for me to stop working. I'm actually a little relieved, just because it's so uncomfortable for me to work in that position, not to mention that my left side (hip to knee) now goes numb after about 20 minutes of sitting on the couch, I'm guessing from the pressure on my veins? Anyway, I am now officially on disability. I feel bad for leaving work early but my manager is really awesome and has been telling me for weeks that if I need to go out, not to worry about work in the least. I'm trying not to stress about money, but I will say that I'm very lucky and between my work and the state disability, everything prior to delivery will be paid at 100% of my salary, which is so amazing. After delivery, I'll be able to take 3 months off and will get about half of my pay, which I know is much better than most people get, so I won't complain at all.

30 week pic

30 weeks!

Wow...30 weeks. It's hard to imagine that this little guy could be here in as little as 6 weeks! The cerclage is coming out 6-7 weeks from now, so I guess we'll see if I go into labor immediately or if my body decides to work properly and keep him baking for a few more weeks after that. I'm trying not to think about it because I know he's coming when he's ready, but I do have some anxiety. I have such mixed feelings because I want him to be born as soon as possible but at the same time I want him to be as healthy as possible, which means I don't want him to be early. I'm also scared of going to 40 weeks for some reason. I know the risk of stillbirth increases after that so I truly don't want to make it all the way and I will do anything do avoid an induction. I'm just going to pray for him coming home safely and not needing any NICU time.

So I can finally see why everyone talks about the 3rd trimester being a little uncomfortable. It takes a huge effort to sit or lay down and get up again, let alone get comfortable. I can't sleep...the other night I laid awake in bed until 4:30am! I get heartburn every night when I lay down no matter what I eat and how long ago it was. I have to pee more than I could ever imagine. My Braxton Hicks are continuing to become more frequent and they really take my breath away...such a weird feeling. But I love it all. As crazy as it is, I still love it because it means that I'm still pregnant and my baby is alive.

I went to a huge garage sale at a school this morning hosted by a mother's of multiples group. There were 2 school gyms filled with stuff so I got some things at good prices. I should have been prepared, but there were a ton of twin babies everywhere, which was a little difficult for me. (Just coming back to add that I never saw one set of girls...they were all boys or boy/girl, which somehow made it slightly easier...I think God was trying to help me out a little). I also wasn't prepared to stand in line for over 30 minutes in a hot gym...and I almost passed out. I made it all the way to the cashier and then had to run to the bleachers and sit down. I had fully planned on taking a belly pic today...but now I'm just too tired!

29 weeks

Saturday was 29 weeks, so another one down. I've still been having contractions but not more than 4 in an hour, so I'm good to go apparently. I had an appointment with my OB and I'm so glad he's back. His nurse told me that the first thing he did when he came in the office this morning (after 5 weeks of vacation) was ask how I was. :) My cervix still is closed and looking good, which is always nice to hear. He told me my contractions at this point are normal but to still really take it easy and just increase my fluids. I'm finally putting on the pounds too...I'm up a total of 16 pounds so far and I'm measuring 31 weeks. I also passed the gestational diabetes blood test, so that's one less thing to worry about. I am anemic though, so now I have to start taking iron, which is just lovely. Now I'll have to up my daily prune regimen...not looking forward to that. :(

I picked up some great deals from craigslist and a yard sale this weekend so my purchases for this little guy are finally growing. The planner in me just can't wait any longer. I just love craigslist...I got a snap n go stroller in excellent condition for $10! I'm still a little scared to buy things but as each week goes by, I feel a tiny bit better. I still can't commit to a baby shower though...that's just too much. I decided I definitely will not have one but will probably do a meet the baby party in the spring so that friends and family can see him. Since we basically have nothing (expect what I've bought over the last few weeks and the stash of cloth diapers I've been collecting) I'm just going to keep stalking craigslist every day for everything I need to get by. Babies really don't need much anyway right? I keep decorating his nursery in my head, but it's still really hard for me to picture an actual baby in this house. I really really really hope he's coming home with us!

Third Trimester

28 weeks today and finally in the 3rd trimester! Wow, I never actually thought I would get here but here I am. I had a bit of a rough week with these pesky Braxton Hicks all week. For 2 days I actually started to get them every single time I got up from the couch, which was really frustrating and on Thursday I actually got 4 in an hour which means a call to my OB's office. When I called they were on a 2 hour lunch (nice) so I just drank a ton of water and they slowly went from every 15 minutes to every 30 to every 60 so I just never called them back. I know that I'm doing too much but I can't help it. I work 40 hours a week for my employer (from the couch-mostly), another 20 a week for our business (also from the couch), and am still trying to take care of the house (cooking, some cleaning, etc). We even have someone come in once a month to clean the house but that's still not enough. Rob helps out a ton but he works 70-80 hours a week on the business so he doesn't have much time, and it's just really stressful for me! Anyone that knows me knows how independent (and stubborn) I am and I cannot ask for help. It's a flaw of mine. I'm thinking that I may need to just stop working sooner rather than later, which I think will really help with the stress and hopefully help calm down my uterus a little. If I don't, I have a feeling I'm going to be making several trips to the hospital to be monitored here shortly. We'll see what my OB says when he gets back from vaca on the 12th.

Anyway, I had a peri appointment yesterday and was very curious to see what my cervix looked like after 2 weeks of BH's. Amazingly, it looks the same! He did a couple of measurements that were only 3.5, which is a whole cm less than 2 weeks ago (but still good), but then he said my cervix was a little curved and took a curved measurement and it was 4.5 so he told me not to worry. He then did the worlds quickest ultrasound and showed us his face, his heartbeat and his 'goods' seriously in about 15 seconds and said everything looks great. It's pretty obvious that they are just humoring me at this point, but I don't care. I was told again that I have no reason to come back but of course he asked if/when I wanted to come back again and I just stared at him and said 'uhhhhhh....' so he told me to go ahead and come back in 3 weeks. :) I'll be 31 weeks at that point and he told me after that they REALLY don't need to see me anymore...but we'll see.

As a side note, I had to say something about the comment about me looking so young because it made me laugh. I'm finally so used to it by now . I'm almost 30 and realize that I could probably pass for 20. A sales lady made a comment about 'my prom' when I was wedding shopping. During my last pregnancy I swear I was getting looks like 'oh, look at that pregnant teen'. No joke. So mom and grandma, thanks for the good genes...when I'm 50, I'll probably pass for 30. :)

27 weeks

Here I am at 27 weeks...only 91 days to go. I can't believe that seems so close. And I really doubt I'll be making it to 40 weeks, which is fine with me. Once this cerclage comes out I think I'll be ready to go! This week has been interesting. I have been having some Braxton Hicks contractions all week, starting on Monday. They are pretty random and don't hurt at all but I'm keeping track because I need to call the doctor if I get 4 or more in an hour. The most I've had is 3 in an hour, but it usually seems to be just about 1 an hour, so it's not too bad. At this point in pregnancy, they're pretty normal so I'm not too worried, but we'll see what my cervix looks like on Friday. I'm guessing they're just going to keep coming and will get more frequent and stronger and that scares me a little, but I'm sure it will be just fine.

I had an appointment with the CNM on Wednesday and it was not good at all. I was very unhappy, but everything is fine. I won't go into details, but let's just say I don't think she had much experience with cerclages. She ended up doing 3 LONG exams on me, 2 with a speculum (think long and painful pap smear) and 1 manual! She basically said she was having a hard time 'visualizing my cerclage'. Then she has the nerve to tell me that she probably irritated my cervix and I may have some spotting. Thank God I haven't had any because it would definitely freak me out. Needless to say, I won't be seeing her again. I have a peri appointment this Friday and then I'm going to try and stretch it out until my OB gets back from vacation, which will be 2 weeks after that appointment.

I also took at huge step last weekend and purchased a co-sleeper. I have planned to buy one all along and they retail for around $190 or so. I had been stalking craigslist and found one for only $60 in great condition, so I just did it. It was scary to make a big purchase but I'm doing ok with it.

Here's my 27 week picture:

So after taking this photo I realized a few things. First, my belly is a lot bigger than I thought it was. At this point I've only gained 11 lbs. so I don't understand how I'm so huge! Second, my maternity tank tops are getting too small. Looks I'm going to need to buy some new clothes. :)

26 weeks

Well here I am, finally at 26 weeks! I had an appointment today with one of the peris that I love (there are 4 in the practice that I see). My cervix is still looking great at 4.5cm, which is really long. He asked when the last time I got measurements on the baby were and I slyly said I couldn't quite remember so I got a nice long growth ultrasound with measurements. Baby boy is now 1lb. 14oz. and is measuring a few days ahead. He also told me they really didn't need to see me for any more cervical checks but I told him Dr. K is on vacation and I really wanted to come back so he said that was fine and let me pick when I wanted to come in again, so I'll be back in 2 weeks for another check. At this point, I really wish I could just sit back and enjoy the rest of this pregnancy, since it's obviously totally different than my others and everything is going so well, but I still can't relax. He also took some 3D pictures of the face which was SO cool. I have to say that they are a little hard to make out, especially if you're not used to seeing 3D ultrasounds, but hopefully you can see his little face.

Ok, this one is a partial side view of his face and he is looking to the right. You can see his right eye and his lips pretty well and his nose is kind of covered by all of those blobs on the right of the picture.

This one is a full side profile where he is also looking to the right. You can also see his right eye and his lips and then his hand is right up on his face, covering his nose, and you can see 3 of his finger. Hope you can make it out!

On a side note, I really missed my girls this week and cried more than usual! I don't know what set me off, but I was sad a lot. In about 6 weeks it will be the twin's 1st birthday...I can't believe it's been that long. Where has the time gone?

24 1/2 weeks

Not much new to report, but my OB appointment went well today. My cervix looks good and I'm measuring 26 weeks. I also gained 3 pounds this week, so I guess it's all starting to catch up with me! I'm only up about 10 pounds total though, because I tend to gain and then lose every few weeks, so I'm still on track. I see the peri again next week for a cervical ultrasound and hopefully a quick peek at the little guy.

24 weeks

24 weeks today...I made it!!

I'm Still Pregnant...

Well, here I am at 23 weeks and 4 days and I'm still pregnant! I'm super happy to be at this point...now the most pregnant I've ever been. It feels good. I wish it was all down hill from here but I definitely can't say that. I had an appointment with the peri today and things are looking great still. This little guy is measuring a few days ahead and also now weighs 1lb. 4 oz. I'm measuring 25 weeks, so still a little bit ahead as well. I seriously feel huge though, even though I was still quite a bit bigger with the girls. My cervix is measuring 4.5, which is still great and super long. The peri told me that they would usually stop seeing me at this point for cervical checks, but since I'm such a wreck (not exactly their words) they will still continue to see me and I go again in 2 weeks. I'm really happy to hear that because my OB is going on vacation for 5 weeks and that has me a bit nervous. I'll see him next week before he leaves and then he'll have a CNM seeing his patients while he's gone. I've never seen a midwife but I think it will be really nice actually. Hopefully she's understanding and doesn't think I'm a total freak if I want to come in constantly! That's about all I have for today. 24 weeks is this Saturday...

23 weeks

Here's my 23 week belly pic....

22 1/2 weeks

Had an appointment today and everything looks good. My cervix is still long and closed and my OB said that my appt. next week with the peri is probably the last time they'll check, since after 23/24 weeks there isn't much risk for IC. I'm guessing he'll still check things every once in awhile though. This is the gestational week that Makenna died, so he did an ultrasound for me to ease my fears...it was an extra long one too! Good news is it's still a boy. :) He's measuring exactly on target and weighs 1.12 pounds. My belly is still measuring 24 weeks. So we're looking good. My OB is SO positive, which is nice, but I can't seem to get there quite yet. Yesterday was the gestation that I delivered the girls last year, which seems so crazy to me...and sad. I can't believe it has been almost 10 months and it seems like yesterday. And next Tuesday is the gestation that I delivered Makenna. So next Wednesday will be the most pregnant that I've ever been. That will be strange.

22 weeks

Here's a new belly pic at 22 weeks.

Appointment Update

So I really over did it this weekend and was feeling really guilty. I also started to get super paranoid because I was feeling pressure the last few days and had some light cramping and tightening last night. I was convinced that my appointment today was going to show a shortened or even dilated cervix. I'm SO glad I was wrong! My cervix was actually longer than the last time it was measured 3 weeks ago...5.2 and last time it was 5. So it's super long and definitely closed. I was shocked. The baby also looks good and we took a quick peek at the heartbeat and fluid levels and everything looks good. He flipped and is now breech and we got to see him kicking my cervix multiple times, which I've been feeling for days and it's been driving me crazy. He kicks really really hard and seriously kicked it for hours last night, which didn't help with my anxiety. I love feeling the constant kicks, of course, I just don't like to feel like he's trying to bust out the door.

Last week I ended up gaining 3 pounds in one week, which I thought was crazy! This week, I'm down 2 pounds, so I guess in two weeks I really one gained 1! So now I'm up a total of 4 pounds. My belly is also still measuring big at 24cm (24 weeks).

My peri actually explained that pressure is normal, especially as I get farther along but I'm just not used to it because last time my cervix 'gave out' and so I wouldn't have felt as much pressure. Now that I have a strong cervix, thanks to the cerclage, feeling more pressure is normal. I usually only feel it if I've been up a lot anyway so she said just to rest if I feel it. My peri and OB also agreed that the tightening of one side of my belly was actually round ligaments stretching, not Braxton Hicks. If it was BH, it would tighten everywhere, which is what I was getting with the twins. So all in all, I feel so much better. I really needed that reassurance, because I was driving myself crazy. My next appointment is next Wednesday, so hopefully I will stay calm until then.

20 weeks

I am finally 20 weeks today...halfway there! I had a little bit of a stressful week and had somehow convinced myself that this little guy was going to 'fall out', if you will. I made Rob take me to Dr. K for an unscheduled appointment for reassurance. Good to know everything is closed up tight and he's looking good in there. I'm trying to stay calm but the next few weeks are going to be tough. A few days after 20 weeks was when everything started going downhill with the twins and they were delivered a little after 22 weeks and Makenna was delivered a little after 23 weeks, so you can imagine my paranoia. 24 weeks is a huge milestone for me because technically it is considered 'viability' and will be the most pregnant that I've ever been. 4 weeks is so close, yet so far away. Please keep praying...I'm a mess right now! :)

To the comment regarding my weight gain, I really wish I could give some awesome advice and talk about the amazingly healthy food that I eat. Since I have been on modified bedrest, much of the cooking has gone out the window and pizza and take out have been more of a staple around here than I'd like to admit. There is no logical reason why I've only gained 3 pounds...but I'll take it! During the day I'm good though, so maybe that balances it all out. Here's a typical day:

Breakfast: Yogurt & 6 prunes (don't ask)

Snack: Toast w/ PB&J or cheese stick or fruit

Lunch: Soup or Sandwich or Leftovers

Snack: Crackers & nuts or fruit

Dinner: Take out or pizza 3-4 days a week. The rest of the time, something simple like spaghetti, adobe chicken w/ rice, meatloaf, lasagna. You get the picture. 

Dessert: 6 prunes yum :(

I finally took another belly picture. I never realized how tired I look first thing in the morning with no mascara. And if I had any idea at all how to use my new Photoshop program, there wouldn't be a glare from the sun all over me, but here you go.

Appointment Update

I had an appointment yesterday and all went very well. I had another growth ultrasound and he's measuring almost a week ahead, which is good. So I'm 18 1/2 weeks, he's measuring a little over 19 weeks, and my belly is measuring 21 weeks! He also kicked so hard while my OB was using the doppler that my entire belly moved and so did the doppler. My doctor got a laugh out of that. I actually gained 2 pounds over the last 3 weeks, so I'm up a total of 3 pounds, which my OB said is really good. He told me I must have a very healthy diet. :) He was also surprised that I wasn't retaining water and that I didn't have swollen ankles at all, since I'm basically laying in bed or on the couch for over 3/4 of my days. My cervix is also doing great and is measuring 5cm! Having a 3-4 is totally normal, so the cerclage is actually lengthening it and keeping it super long, which is very good news. So for now, I can continue my once a week outings to go out to dinner or a movie. It's so nice to get out of the house! My grandma was also able to go to my ultrasound with me, since Rob is in Florida for a week on business. She'd never seen an ultrasound of a baby before, so it was really cool. I got some good pictures too, which are below. And I finally believe that it is a boy...there's no mistaking it now! :)

Profile

It's definitely a boy!

Kicks

Just wanted to share that this baby is a kicking machine. I've been feeling strong kicks for awhile now and Rob was also able to feel them the other day. The newest thing is that I can even see the kicks now if I watch my belly and this has been going on for a few days. I just can't believe I can see the kicks and I'm not even 18 weeks yet! I hope that means that this little one is measuring big and is ahead of the game. That would make me feel good. One more week until my next appointment! I'll be getting my detailed level II ultrasound where we'll confirm for the third time it's a boy (and I'll actually believe it this time) and get a ton of measurements. Then they'll measure the cervix again and hope it's a long as it was at my last visit.

Please Pray for my fellow blogger

If you are reading this and you pray, please pray for my fellow internet blogger 'friend' Devon. She has an almost 3 year old daughter that was born at 29 weeks, she lost her twin boys last year at 23 weeks and she is now pregnant again and just shy of 22 weeks. She was admitted to the hospital the other day (and will probably be there until delivery) and is on a crazy amount of medication due to a ton of contractions. Please pray that her baby girl stays in there for a few more months! I certainly don't want her to join the club of having three babies in heaven.

Grief

I just read this on a blog that I follow, who read this in a newsletter. I think it explains things well. I hate the fact that people think that just because I'm pregnant, it takes away the pain of losing my girls. As if having another baby could actually replace them.

"I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world - that your beloved child died. Now imagine that every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. Everything you loved now hurts like hell.

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell. That is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss. You cannot compare it to another loss. With other losses you grieve and you are of course sad but when your child dies...a part of you ceases to exist. It's gone, just like that. No warning. Just gone. And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that make up who you are - are gone!

That is why when parents who have lost children hear, "I want the old you back," "It's been a year, don't you feel better yet?," You are doing this to yourself, you're making it harder on yourself," "Grief can become a selfish thing you know." we can only shake our and heads and feel sadness and hopelessness because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive. No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves. We are just trying to hold on.

Please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding on to this or that my family/friends must be tired of watching me go through this because if you haven't lost a beloved child of yours, you haven't got a clue. Now when you hear these word, "The presence of his absence is everywhere" will you finally understand?"

~ The Grief Blog, Louise and Diana

Boy!

So we had a peri appointment and my cervix looks great! It's measuring 5.6, which is really good and long. I was pleasantly surprised that they took all kinds of measurements for growth, so we got to see the baby kicking and flipping all over the place. I'm measuring 16 weeks and the tech and my peri also both said boy! I don't know why I'm still not convinced but you can verify it yourself with the picture below. I went to see my OB right after the ultrasound and he was very excited about my cervical measurement. He actually told me that from now until my next appointment, I can actually go out to dinner or a movie if I want. I was so excited! Rob and I went straight to dinner at a new Thai place and it was amazingly good. The baby liked it too because he was kicking up a storm. I've been feeling kicks all week now which makes me happy. They aren't super strong but they're definitely noticeable. It's one of my favorite parts of pregnancy. :)

I'm not feeling happy or sad at this point...pretty neutral. I think because I'm still over a month out from my 'danger zone'. Week 20 to 24 are going to be very difficult for me and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I can't even think of the future past that point because I'm not convinced that I'll ever get there. I so wish I could see the future. What I wouldn't give to know 100% that this baby was coming home with me and then I could have a blissful and happy normal pregnancy. I could actually have a baby shower, buy things, set up a nursery...it would all be too easy!

15 weeks

Happy 4th everyone! Last week was a big week...our 7th anniversary was on Monday and my 29th birthday was on Thursday. Too bad we couldn't do anything! Rob did go pick up some take out at our favorite sushi place for my birthday, which was awesome (don't worry, I didn't eat anything raw). Yesterday we had a BBQ at our house with my mom and our friends and today we are just hanging out and doing nothing.

I'm officially 15 weeks today and my belly is growing pretty quickly. The baby is 4 inches long and about the size of an apple. I've been feeling some flutters since about 13 weeks or so, which is the same as the twins. I know some people think it's crazy to feel the baby so early, but when you've been pregnant for about 16 out of the last 24 months, I know what it feels like! I also feel the same flutters when I use my doppler sometimes, so I know it's the baby. I actually felt my first thump yesterday too, which was pretty cool. I was on a call with my manager and she was on speaker phone and I placed the phone on my belly out of habit so I could type and after she had been talking for a few seconds, the baby thumped really hard right where the phone was. It was pretty funny.

My first week of house arrest hasn't been so bad. I try to lay down or lounge on the couch as much as possible, even when I'm working. If I stand or sit for long periods of time, I start to feel a little heavy, so I don't really like to be up that much. My first cervical check ultrasound with the peri is this Wednesday. I'm not really worried about it, but once we get to about 20 weeks, I'm going to be more anxious. So I actually haven't gained any weight yet still, but I'm not surprised. Babies tend to suck the life out of me for some reason. My OB still said not to worry at all because the baby takes everything it needs. I've been getting hungrier finally and am eating a lot more, so I'm sure I'll start gaining here soon. I finally took more belly pictures, so here you go. Please excuse the dead lawn...the sprinkler system wasn't coming on for about 2 weeks before we noticed!

New Pics

So before I went to the hospital yesterday, my OB did a quick ultrasound in his office. Everything looked great and baby was measuring right on. So Rob and I pretty much figured we would find out the gender when it was time and I'm really impatient, so when my OB asked if we were wanting to find out, we both said "yes!". Now remember at this point I am just under 14 weeks, so it's pretty ridiculous to find out gender at this point, but my OB decided he would give it a try. He said if he is right this would be the earliest that he has ever confirmed gender, so I'm not taking anything to the bank. I'll let you look at the picture and decide for yourself. He said he's fairly certain though. :) The second picture shows the goods.

I'm Home

So I'm home from the hospital! Everything went so well with the cerclage that they kept me all day for observation, but then sent me home instead of making me stay overnight. The procedure went great and my OB said they got the stitch really high and tight and everything went perfect. The epidural was just fine and wasn't bad at all. The anticipation was definitely a lot worse than it all really was, but I'm glad it's finally over. I had just a tiny bit of cramping but it was almost gone when I left the hospital and I took some tylenol and feel fine now. I'm lounging on the couch, which is probably where I'll be for the next few days. I was in the recovery room all afternoon and two different women came in with their brand news babies, which was a little difficult. I wish I could pretend that will be me in a few months, but I just can't picture it actually happening. A girl can always dream.

Some Kind of Honeymoon

They (whoever ‘they’ are) always say that the 2nd trimester is the honeymoon trimester. It’s supposed to be the time when you start feeling better, you get your energy back and you start to glow. You start to get that cute little baby bump and this trimester is the safest, with the fewest complications. Once you’re out of the 1^st trimester, it’s smooth sailing from here, since your chance of miscarriage now is practically nothing. Oh how I wish that was all so true! Why does this have to be my nightmare trimester…the time when all of my babies have died? I should be relaxing now but this is when I tense up. This is when the anxiety kicks in and I start to freak out. I worry that I will go into preterm labor, that my cervix will dilate too soon, my baby is going to kick through my cervix, that I will have a placental abruption, that it’s heart will just stop beating for no reason….I could go on and on, but those are all just the things that have already happened. There are so many other horrible things that could still happen. I mean, I’ve never had a baby that has a disease or disorder that is ‘incompatible with life’. I’ve never had a baby die of a cord accident or a blood clot. Shoot, I’ve never even had a miscarriage! I know I’m supposed to be thinking positive, right? But it didn’t work for me last time, so what makes me think it will do anything this time? People keep asking if I’m excited when they find out I’m pregnant. Really? I actually just want to ask them if they would be excited if they were pregnant after their last three babies died. Probably not. So to answer that question…nope, I’m not excited…not even a little. I’m anxious, apprehensive, doubtful, and scared. Well that sure was a downer post, wasn’t it?

Father's Day

Well, today was my first father's day without my dad. We all got together at my mom's house and spread my dad's ashes out in the back field, with beer in hand, which were his wishes. Of course, I couldn't drink any of mine! I can't believe it's been 6 months since he's been gone. 6 months without my dad...7 months without my girls. Time sure is flying by.

We had my pre-op appointment last week and guess I'm all ready to go. I go my OB's in the morning for a quick ultrasound and then walk across to the hospital to get all checked in. The procedure is at noon, so please pray that all goes well. At last measurement was cervix was 4.8, which was great and super long, which means he can get the stitches up higher, which is better. Hopefully it is still that long! I can't eat or drink anything after midnight, not even water, so that's going to be a little tough for me. So at about 12:30pm, right after the procedure, I'm going to be chugging some water and scarfing down some food. I'm staying overnight for observation and then it's housebound for me. I'm super nervous about getting the required epidural, since it's something I have never planned on getting...ever. Also nervous about the cramping and bleeding that I'm supposed to experience. Not exactly something I want to feel while I'm this early.

12 weeks

I had an ultrasound on Thursday and everything is looking great. The baby is measuring a few days ahead and my cervix is really long, which is good. I have a pre-op appointment next week and then my cerclage is scheduled for the 25th. I'll get the cerclage and then I have to stay overnight in the hospital for observation and will be going home on Friday. Here are a few pics from the ultrasound.

11 weeks

Well, I'm 11 weeks and was able to find the baby's heartbeat at home with my doppler! Yay! It makes me feel so much better to be able to hear the heartbeat and I really need that reassurance in between my appointments. My NT scan is next Thursday and I'm excited about it. It's a detailed ultrasound where they look for signs of choromosonal abnormalites and it is pretty detailed so I'll get to see the baby for about 30 minutes. With the girls, I got to see them kicking, flipping and sucking their thumbs, so it was really awesome. So I've lost about 5 pounds so far, and it truly baffles my mind. I have to work hard not to gain weight when I'm not pregnant, but for some reason, babies just suck all the weight right off me. With Makenna, I had gained zero pounds by the 23 week mark. My OB at the time and this OB now have assured me not to worry because the baby will take everything it needs from me. And yes, I eat ALL the time.

Camping

So Rob, Bailey and I went camping this last weekend from Thursday to Sunday. We had such an amazing time! We camped in the El Dorado National Forest at a little campground in Icehouse Resevoir. We got a perfect site right on the end, so it backed up to the woods and it had it's own private little beachfront area. We definitely needed the relaxation and just being out in nature was replenishment for our souls! The pictures below are of our campsite and the view from the site.

9 Weeks

So I had a consult and ultrasound today and I'm 9 weeks tomorrow. The baby is measuring great and the heartrate was great and I am assured that there is only one baby! I went to see my OB after the peri and he decided to try and use the doppler to hear the heartbeat, even though I'm so early. He actually said he never tries this early, but since I am "so skinny", we may be able to hear it. Have I mentioned how much I love my OB? I'm pretty sure those words and me haven't been in the same sentence since about 7th grade or so. And we heard it. :)

I have a detailed ultrasound scheduled for June 11th and then my cerclage is scheduled for June 25th, right before I am 14 weeks. I am trying not to be nervous about it, but I am. I have to get an epidural for the procedure (not excited about that) and I'll be at the hospital for probably half of the day. I have to rest after the procedure and it usually causes some cramping and spotting, which is really going to freak me out. There is also a 1-2% chance of miscarriage, but I know that the benefits outweigh the risks for me.

My peri explained things really well to me today. She said if there was a scale on the strength of the cervix from 1-10, 10 would be the woman who had a really long labor and it took a ton of contractions for her to dilate, which means she has a really strong cervix. A 6 would be a woman who bragged about having such a quick and easy labor because she dilated so quickly, which really just means her cervix is a little weak. A 1 would be a woman who's baby literally almost just 'falls out' around 16-18 weeks with no warning (sadly I have friends that have had this happen). She said I'm about a 3. Well, not great, but I guess a 3 is better than a 1.

Here is my 9 week bump. Not the easiest to see, but it's pretty obvious in person. In fact, we went to pick up wine today and the lady asked if we both were tasting, then looked at my belly and said 'oh nevermind, I guess you're not tasting'. Haha...I'm totally showing at 9 weeks.

8 weeks

I'm 8 weeks today! It seems like I just found out the other day, so this pregnancy is going by fast for me, which makes me happy. I've been really really sick this time around...nothing like my other pregnancies. I feel sick pretty much all day and this started around 6 weeks. I haven't actually thrown up, but I feel like it all the time. The last few days haven't been as bad as usual, but I still don't feel great. Definitely not complaining though...I'll take any symptom. I'm just so grateful to be pregnant again. Pretty much everyone that knows thinks I'm having a boy, so I am very curious to see if everyone is right.

Rainbow Baby

Well, here we are again...pregnant. Moms who have lost a baby sometimes call their next baby their 'rainbow baby', because a rainbow comes after the storm, hence the name of my new blog. The rainbow is also a promise from God, so I am holding on to that. I am currently 7 1/2 weeks pregnant with a due date of December 26th. We had an ultrasound last week and saw the heartbeat, so that was encouraging. My cerclage will be scheduled for the last week in June, and then I will be on modified bedrest, with weekly ultrasounds to check on everything. We are praying for a wonderful Christmas this year. I'm trying to be positive but am freaking out.