Saturday, July 18, 2009

Grief

I just read this on a blog that I follow, who read this in a newsletter. I think it explains things well. I hate the fact that people think that just because I'm pregnant, it takes away the pain of losing my girls. As if having another baby could actually replace them.

"I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world - that your beloved child died. Now imagine that every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. Everything you loved now hurts like hell.

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell. That is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss. You cannot compare it to another loss. With other losses you grieve and you are of course sad but when your child dies...a part of you ceases to exist. It's gone, just like that. No warning. Just gone. And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that make up who you are - are gone!

That is why when parents who have lost children hear, "I want the old you back," "It's been a year, don't you feel better yet?," You are doing this to yourself, you're making it harder on yourself," "Grief can become a selfish thing you know." we can only shake our and heads and feel sadness and hopelessness because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive.
No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves. We are just trying to hold on.

Please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding on to this or that my family/friends must be tired of watching me go through this because if you haven't lost a beloved child of yours, you haven't got a clue. Now when you hear these word, "The presence of his absence is everywhere" will you finally understand?"

~ The Grief Blog, Louise and Diana

4 comments:

  1. I read this in our Compassionate Friends Newsletter, too...and saw it on Devon's blog. It really hit home for me, as well, because it describes exactly how I feel. If you want to read the whole article, it is here: http://thegriefblog.com/grief/bereavement/grief/the-presence-of-his-absence-is-everywhere/

    I received the newsletter on the 1 year anniversary of my twin girls' passing...and oh, how it spoke to me.

    Love,
    E

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  2. Jen,
    Thank you for sharing that with us. I knew losing a child would be difficult, but I really never understood the full impact it has made on you. This definately helps me understand.
    I truly am inspired by your strength through all of your pain.

    I love you sis.

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  3. Jerry and Amy PetersonJuly 21, 2009 at 8:14 PM

    Hey Jenny.

    I am really glad you posted this message of grief to try and get your message across to those of us who have not had to suffer the unimaginable pain of losing a child. Jerry and I have no idea what you and Rob are truly battling inside each and every day that you wake. We try to be there for the two of you but we honestly don't know what you want us to say ever. Just know that we love you both very much and wish we could somehow take this pain and make it go away for the two of you so that you can one day find peace within.

    We feel excitement for your pregnancy now, even though we understand that you are not able to. I do pray that you and Rob hold strong and lean on each other.

    We are always just a phone call away, day or night, we'll always be there for you both.

    With all our love,
    Jerry and Amy

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  4. It is so important for a grieving parent to be able to try and express what it is really like but also impossible to truly explain. I very much relate. Most of the people close to me really do "get it" as much as one can who hasn't lost a child. But they are wonderful about it all. You do always find those who expect life to go on as usual too though and that's what's hard. Life never goes on "as usual". Finding a "new normal" is the best way for me to describe what it's like.

    Now I can't imagine what it's even like to lose three babies in a row. Everyone's story and grief is personal and unique. But I can say even having a smart, adorable, almost 3 year old son and being almost 39 weeks with my first girl does not take away the pain or replace the hole in my heart for my son Ethan who's been gone almost 2 years now.

    And even though every step of the way this baby has been healthy and thriving in me and I am completely out of the woods as far as cervical issues at this point, I know I cannot fully exhale until I hear her cries and hold her in my arms alive and well. That's just my reality. I have been hopeful and anticipating the best but my heart remains guarded to an extent.

    I think the heart heals to an extent but never fully. There will always be a void where it made room to love that child. No other love or love of another child can fill the space made for that child lost. It's just that simple. We are parents, they are our children, that bond is permanent and unyielding.

    I only have left the hope of seeing my beloved son again someday and meeting my other two unborn children when we are all eternally together again with our Creator. I wait and hope.

    Thank you for always being so candid and open about how you feel. It really brings others who have had loss comfort and somewhere to go to relate when it feels no one else can.

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