Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Happy Birthday Alexis & Ashlen

Well, today it has been an entire year since my girls were here. I just can't believe it was a whole year ago that I held them. It really seems like yesterday and all of the emotions that I felt on that day are still right on the surface. I miss them more than I can explain. I was going to make some cupcakes and of course didn't have the ingredients. I didn't feel like going to get them either and I really wasn't planning on leaving the house today but Rob and I decided to go out to lunch. We also decided that we would like to eventually bury all three of our girls and get a headstone made for them, since we feel like the area we live in now is where we will stay. After lunch we visited a local cemetery to get some information. I knew it was expensive but that sure was a little shocking! We have always wanted to buy some property so we're thinking that we will wait until we have some land and then bury them on our property and get a headstone at that time. I would much rather have them close than at a cemetery and then we wouldn't have to pay for a plot. And since I still haven't paid the huge hospital bill for their delivery (which I received a full 11 months after the fact!), a headstone won't be happening anytime soon. I am just as content having them here at home though, so that is where they will stay for now.

I also want to say, please think before you make comments to a grieving mother. I know everyone means well and sometimes just don't know what to say, but if I'm talking about my girls, comments that mention me being pregnant again do not make me feel any better or overshadow the fact that my girls are not here. I know I am hormonal and emotional but these comments are hurtful. Being pregnant does not make this any easier, and in fact, sometimes I think it makes it even harder. Even if I go on to have 10 healthy children here on earth, it will not take away the pain that I have three girls in heaven. If your child died and someone said, 'well, at least you have other healthy children', would that comfort you? If your mom died and someone said, 'well, at least you have your dad right?', would that comfort you? Call me crazy, but I don't think it would. People cannot be replaced. I know it may not make sense to people unless they've been there, so I don't hold it against anyone. I just want people to try and understand that certain comments just don't help. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I just had to say it.


  1. Happy Birthday to your sweet girls

  2. Happy Birthday, Alexis and Ashlen! I know how much you miss your girls- I miss mine so much, too. I have to say that being pregnant really does not erase the pain, and it doesn't make it easier- and in some ways, it really does make it even harder (like when people seem to think everything is "better" because you are now pregnant). The other saying that drives me NUTS is when people say "everything happens for a reason"- yea...don't get me started on that one.

    Getting a headstone eventually on your own property sounds wonderful. It bothered me to think of our girls so far away, and in Los Angeles, the reality is that I would be able to visit them so very little if they were at a cemetary. So, they are cremated...but someday I want them buried with me.

    I wrote a blog post recently on my Tiny Footprints blog about how having a new baby does not erase the love and pain you go through with the babies you've lost.

    Sending you lots of love. Be gentle with yourself. Not many people can even imagine going through a day like today...and yet it is something we babyloss mamas unfortunately share. (((hugs)))

  3. Thinking of you and your sweet girls tonight. I hope you've had a chance to stop by my blog and see their butterflies. Your blog was one of the first ones I found after losing my daughter. I'm happy to still be following your story. Sending love and support.

  4. We're thinking of you all today. We are so sorry for your heart ache but are trusting the Lord to carry you through in ways only He can. We love you all. Happy birthday sweet girls.

  5. I have been up all night, even with the sedatives the doctor gave me, the ones that I think I took too many of after he told me the news. New he did not have to tell me because after having three children you know when something is not right.
    Our baby's heart is no longer beating.
    My oldest who will be 14 next month was born via emercency c-section after 20 hours of labor, he was not breathing, they did recesitat him, and he is fine.
    My girls, 10 and 8 were born by scheduled c-section, everything was fine with all three pregnancies. The only problem was my first delivery.
    We tried for two years this last time to get pregnant.
    I am 21 weeks and 2 days, I am leaving for the hospital in two hours to be induced.
    I am absolutley horrified and petrified.
    I have been online all night long, reading different people's experiences, trying to make some sense of everything.
    My heart is breaking as it goes out to you, for you, for me and for every other mother who has had to deal with this.
    I feel so guilty as I sit here thinking we can try again and terrified at the same time that something will go wrong next time.
    I am sorry for your losses, and wish you grace with your new baby that is coming.

  6. (((HUGS))) my dear friend. I was thinking of you all yesterday. One yr is hard so be gentle on yourself and just remember your precious girls. And I agree no matter how many living children we may have, it will never change the ones we lost. I thought your post was worded beautifully. Its hard for those who havent been there to understand, I hope a post like that helps them even just a little bit. Take care...

  7. I've followed your story since you were pregnant with Alexis and Ashlen. Happy birthday to them, and lots of peace and love to you and your hubby. I'm also pregnant after (one) loss and definitely agree a sibling is no replacement. And being pregnant after loss is just so dang hard...I feel so much pressure to bring this baby into the world safely, and yet so helpless at the same time. It's can be hard to hold on to hope when, as a fellow baby loss mama recently wrote, losing a child is losing an entire future and that is a really hard thing to let go. No matter if you have a new future to look forward to.
    I will light a candle for all 3 of your precious girls tonight.

  8. You really need to go to this website
    This wonderful mom has been touched by the same thing as you. She fights to have her little angel remembered, and she knows just how you feel. I am keeping you in my prayers. God Bless you!!

  9. You are in my prayers. Happy Birthday to your twins and I pray all the time that your baby you are carrying now will be born healthy. You are an amazing person, I follow your blogs and cannot believe how incredibly strong you are.

  10. You are in my prayers. Happy Birthday to Ashlen and Alexis. Time is an amazing thing, so excruciatingly slow or flying by faster than the speed of light... (or so it may seem).My prayer for you is that you are at peace, from your most happiest of moments to your deepest of despairs, and everything in between. It is something I have learned to go after and find. I am definitely a peace seeker. God Bless you.

  11. i know it's late, but i've been thinking about you and Rob as i knew the day was getting close. i "check on you" at least once a week, and pray for you constantly. no, being pregnant again does not make it any easier to deal with the past losses. i keep thinking "this is pregnancy number eight, and only one child to show for it". sounds pessimistic, i know, and i do count my blessings, but it's hard to know that this will be the only child most people will ever know about.
    we'll continue praying for smooth sailing, and for this time of year for you.

  12. Thank you for saying that. It was very well said. I'm not sure which is worse-the mindless comments or the people who pretend they never existed. Either way it hurts.

  13. A very belated happy birthday to you two beautiful girls! Jenell, you are so right about a new pg intensifying your love and grief over your angel babies. When Kannon was born, I felt this to an even more extreme degree. I am so grateful to have him, but I still miss Dashiell every day.