Monday, June 22, 2009

Some Kind of Honeymoon

They (whoever ‘they’ are) always say that the 2nd trimester is the honeymoon trimester. It’s supposed to be the time when you start feeling better, you get your energy back and you start to glow. You start to get that cute little baby bump and this trimester is the safest, with the fewest complications. Once you’re out of the 1st trimester, it’s smooth sailing from here, since your chance of miscarriage now is practically nothing. Oh how I wish that was all so true! Why does this have to be my nightmare trimester…the time when all of my babies have died? I should be relaxing now but this is when I tense up. This is when the anxiety kicks in and I start to freak out. I worry that I will go into preterm labor, that my cervix will dilate too soon, my baby is going to kick through my cervix, that I will have a placental abruption, that it’s heart will just stop beating for no reason….I could go on and on, but those are all just the things that have already happened. There are so many other horrible things that could still happen. I mean, I’ve never had a baby that has a disease or disorder that is ‘incompatible with life’. I’ve never had a baby die of a cord accident or a blood clot. Shoot, I’ve never even had a miscarriage! I know I’m supposed to be thinking positive, right? But it didn’t work for me last time, so what makes me think it will do anything this time? People keep asking if I’m excited when they find out I’m pregnant. Really? I actually just want to ask them if they would be excited if they were pregnant after their last three babies died. Probably not. So to answer that question…nope, I’m not excited…not even a little. I’m anxious, apprehensive, doubtful, and scared. Well that sure was a downer post, wasn’t it?


  1. (((HUGS))) sweetie. I feel similar as well. But just focus on one day a time then 1 wk and I am here to hold your hand if need be. We'll figure this out together. Take care...

  2. I think you've earned the right to write a downer post here and there. Keep your head up. Ice cream always makes me feel better :)

  3. Hey Sis, I know this is a stressful time for you, and you definately have every right to post a downer post.
    I can't say I understand what you are feeling, but I do know that you are so strong and you have everyone in your corner, and Dad with the girls. We ALL love you and will send lots of prayers and positive thoughts to you during this difficult time.

    Big hugs from your Big SIS

  4. Hi Jennell,
    I am right there with you! I completely understand how you feel. I'm in my fourth pregnancy. Our first pregnancy resulted in a healthy, happy baby girl who is now three! :) I now have no idea how idea how she got here, but I thank God for her every day. Pregnancy #2 was a miscarriage at 13 weeks. Pregnancy #3 was a stillbirth (Mallory) at 23 weeks. Both losses remain unexplained, even after all of the testing. I'm now 9.5 weeks and only four people know (family only!), oh and now you. :) I do not want ANYONE to know about it. Everyone will talk about the baby as if he or she will definitely get here and that is too difficult to hear. When I went for my first OB appt, the nurse asked, Are you going to breastfeed or bottle feed the baby? I felt a chill because I cannot stand talking about this baby with the assumption that he or she will be here. I said, IF this baby gets here, I will breastfeed. Then she asked if the baby is a boy, will we circumcise? I had to stop her and say, "This is weird. I have to phrase all of these questions with IF." As a baby loss mama, that is just how we feel, and the only way to try and protect ourselves.

    I am right here with you and will continue to pray! Sorry this is such a long post, but I wanted to share a verse that I hold close to my heart:
    You keep track of all of my sorrows,
    You have collected all my tears in Your bottle,
    You have recorded each one in Your book.
    Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

    This verse reminds me that God is always, always, right there with me, no matter what. He hasn't forgotten or forsaken me. He wasn't sleeping or out of town the day my babies died, and He completely understands and cares about everything you're feeling right now.

    Hugs to you,

  5. Hey Jen,
    First, you should never feel the need to apologize for a "downer blog" as you're definitely entitled to a few of those! Second, I've spent the morning reading through the other blog sites you have posted here, crying & praying. I'm praying that the Lord will give you the strength & peace you need through these next few months. I can't even imagine how stressful this time is for you & what you must be feeling. All I know is, Jesus is right there with you, right by your side. "Cast your cares on Him, because He cares for you." Love you girl.

  6. I've been following all of your blogs since the beginning of each one of them.
    I'm right there with you with the feelings you are having right now.
    I lost our baby girl at 24 weeks gestation, due to what they think was a silent placental abruption. No symptoms, no signs, just a regular checkup appt to find no heartbeat. Then confirmation at the hospital with an ultrasound that the baby had passed.

    I'm now 10 weeks 3 days pregnant and I am petrified. You would think as time goes on that it gets easier. Nope, I think it gets worse.
    I had an 8 week ultrasound and everything looked fine. Saw the little heartbeat on the screen and felt some relief at that point.
    But I think as the pregnancy progresses I become more nervous. Nervous of the outcome.
    Trying to stay positive, but it's so damn hard.

    Don't feel bad for your downer blog. I'm right there with you with my downer days myself.

  7. He Jen, I don't think you know me,my name is Summer, I used to work with your Mom at Holt. I have read all your blogs about everthing that you have been through...I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you as our little girl Faith Noelle is up in heaven with pregnancy complications, she was born a stillborn at 6 months, I feel the same way you do. When can we really relax and feel like everything will be okay?? I have now lost 4 pregnancies after the 1st Trimester, and I am terrified to get pregnant again because I don't know how I could go through this pain again. I just want to say when I read your blog it makes me feel hope and that I'm not alone out there. God bless you, your family and that precious little one inside of you!!