Appointment Update

I had an appointment yesterday and all went very well. I had another growth ultrasound and he's measuring almost a week ahead, which is good. So I'm 18 1/2 weeks, he's measuring a little over 19 weeks, and my belly is measuring 21 weeks! He also kicked so hard while my OB was using the doppler that my entire belly moved and so did the doppler. My doctor got a laugh out of that. I actually gained 2 pounds over the last 3 weeks, so I'm up a total of 3 pounds, which my OB said is really good. He told me I must have a very healthy diet. :) He was also surprised that I wasn't retaining water and that I didn't have swollen ankles at all, since I'm basically laying in bed or on the couch for over 3/4 of my days. My cervix is also doing great and is measuring 5cm! Having a 3-4 is totally normal, so the cerclage is actually lengthening it and keeping it super long, which is very good news. So for now, I can continue my once a week outings to go out to dinner or a movie. It's so nice to get out of the house! My grandma was also able to go to my ultrasound with me, since Rob is in Florida for a week on business. She'd never seen an ultrasound of a baby before, so it was really cool. I got some good pictures too, which are below. And I finally believe that it is a boy...there's no mistaking it now! :)

Profile

It's definitely a boy!

Kicks

Just wanted to share that this baby is a kicking machine. I've been feeling strong kicks for awhile now and Rob was also able to feel them the other day. The newest thing is that I can even see the kicks now if I watch my belly and this has been going on for a few days. I just can't believe I can see the kicks and I'm not even 18 weeks yet! I hope that means that this little one is measuring big and is ahead of the game. That would make me feel good. One more week until my next appointment! I'll be getting my detailed level II ultrasound where we'll confirm for the third time it's a boy (and I'll actually believe it this time) and get a ton of measurements. Then they'll measure the cervix again and hope it's a long as it was at my last visit.

Please Pray for my fellow blogger

If you are reading this and you pray, please pray for my fellow internet blogger 'friend' Devon. She has an almost 3 year old daughter that was born at 29 weeks, she lost her twin boys last year at 23 weeks and she is now pregnant again and just shy of 22 weeks. She was admitted to the hospital the other day (and will probably be there until delivery) and is on a crazy amount of medication due to a ton of contractions. Please pray that her baby girl stays in there for a few more months! I certainly don't want her to join the club of having three babies in heaven.

Grief

I just read this on a blog that I follow, who read this in a newsletter. I think it explains things well. I hate the fact that people think that just because I'm pregnant, it takes away the pain of losing my girls. As if having another baby could actually replace them.

"I want you to try to imagine the worst thing in the world - that your beloved child died. Now imagine that every single thing that used to give you joy and pleasure turns into hurt and despair overnight. Not a gradual thing but going from pleasure to hurt, from happiness to sadness, from peace to no peace, changing overnight. Everything you loved now hurts like hell.

A part of you does not exist anymore and it is scary as hell. That is why they say the loss of a child is like no other loss. You cannot compare it to another loss. With other losses you grieve and you are of course sad but when your child dies...a part of you ceases to exist. It's gone, just like that. No warning. Just gone. And the life that you knew, the things you always felt, the things in your life that made sense, that you held on to, that make up who you are - are gone!

That is why when parents who have lost children hear, "I want the old you back," "It's been a year, don't you feel better yet?," You are doing this to yourself, you're making it harder on yourself," "Grief can become a selfish thing you know." we can only shake our and heads and feel sadness and hopelessness because there is no way our lives will ever be like it was when our child was alive. No wonder bereaved parents isolate themselves. We are just trying to hold on.

Please do not tell me how I should feel or that I am holding on to this or that my family/friends must be tired of watching me go through this because if you haven't lost a beloved child of yours, you haven't got a clue. Now when you hear these word, "The presence of his absence is everywhere" will you finally understand?"

~ The Grief Blog, Louise and Diana

Boy!

So we had a peri appointment and my cervix looks great! It's measuring 5.6, which is really good and long. I was pleasantly surprised that they took all kinds of measurements for growth, so we got to see the baby kicking and flipping all over the place. I'm measuring 16 weeks and the tech and my peri also both said boy! I don't know why I'm still not convinced but you can verify it yourself with the picture below. I went to see my OB right after the ultrasound and he was very excited about my cervical measurement. He actually told me that from now until my next appointment, I can actually go out to dinner or a movie if I want. I was so excited! Rob and I went straight to dinner at a new Thai place and it was amazingly good. The baby liked it too because he was kicking up a storm. I've been feeling kicks all week now which makes me happy. They aren't super strong but they're definitely noticeable. It's one of my favorite parts of pregnancy. :)

I'm not feeling happy or sad at this point...pretty neutral. I think because I'm still over a month out from my 'danger zone'. Week 20 to 24 are going to be very difficult for me and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I can't even think of the future past that point because I'm not convinced that I'll ever get there. I so wish I could see the future. What I wouldn't give to know 100% that this baby was coming home with me and then I could have a blissful and happy normal pregnancy. I could actually have a baby shower, buy things, set up a nursery...it would all be too easy!

15 weeks

Happy 4th everyone! Last week was a big week...our 7th anniversary was on Monday and my 29th birthday was on Thursday. Too bad we couldn't do anything! Rob did go pick up some take out at our favorite sushi place for my birthday, which was awesome (don't worry, I didn't eat anything raw). Yesterday we had a BBQ at our house with my mom and our friends and today we are just hanging out and doing nothing.

I'm officially 15 weeks today and my belly is growing pretty quickly. The baby is 4 inches long and about the size of an apple. I've been feeling some flutters since about 13 weeks or so, which is the same as the twins. I know some people think it's crazy to feel the baby so early, but when you've been pregnant for about 16 out of the last 24 months, I know what it feels like! I also feel the same flutters when I use my doppler sometimes, so I know it's the baby. I actually felt my first thump yesterday too, which was pretty cool. I was on a call with my manager and she was on speaker phone and I placed the phone on my belly out of habit so I could type and after she had been talking for a few seconds, the baby thumped really hard right where the phone was. It was pretty funny.

My first week of house arrest hasn't been so bad. I try to lay down or lounge on the couch as much as possible, even when I'm working. If I stand or sit for long periods of time, I start to feel a little heavy, so I don't really like to be up that much. My first cervical check ultrasound with the peri is this Wednesday. I'm not really worried about it, but once we get to about 20 weeks, I'm going to be more anxious. So I actually haven't gained any weight yet still, but I'm not surprised. Babies tend to suck the life out of me for some reason. My OB still said not to worry at all because the baby takes everything it needs. I've been getting hungrier finally and am eating a lot more, so I'm sure I'll start gaining here soon. I finally took more belly pictures, so here you go. Please excuse the dead lawn...the sprinkler system wasn't coming on for about 2 weeks before we noticed!