36 weeks

T-5 days until the cerclage comes out!! 36 weeks and I'm still feeling pretty good. The contractions are definitely continuing to get stronger and more frequent, especially in the evenings. Other than that, I'm good. The sciatic nerve pain still hurts but I'm so used to it now that I just ignore it. I had another NST today and everything looks great. I'm now measuring 38 weeks and I only gained 1/2 a pound this week...during Thanksgiving week! I sure wish my metabolism was always like this. I also had my second appointment with my doula today and it went really well. We reviewed my birth plan and she gave me a wonderful foot massage. :)

I also wanted to say thank you to everyone for your encouragement on the daycare. I was definitely having a downer of a day when I wrote my last post and was feeling overwhelmed. After discussing many options, we've decided that the first step is that I will request to reduce my hours and work part-time from home. This will be a stretch financially but totally doable after we tweak our spending habits and reduce in some areas. Rob will also watch him one day a week and make up his hours throughout the week and weekend, which is a plus of owning a business. If work approves my request for 3 days a week and Rob watches him 1 day, that only leave 2 days where we need some type of daycare, which I can definitely live with. Our best friend's daughter goes a woman that runs a home daycare that is only about 2 miles away from us and they absolutely love her. She's going to be the first on the list for our options but I'm also going to look into hiring a college student to come into our home 2 days a week to watch him, which would really be awesome, since I would be here. So anyway, that is now the new plan and we are feeling very comfortable with it. I'll just be praying that it all falls into place and that the perfect person comes available.

35 weeks

Not too much news to report at 35 weeks. I've been having Non-Stress Tests (NSTs) twice a week and they've all been going great. He's passing with flying colors each time. As of today I'm measuring 37 weeks and I've gained 24 pounds! I'm finally packing it on...but hopefully not too much. :) So I finally got the cerclage removal scheduled and it's not until Saturday, December 5th! I'll be exactly 37 weeks that day. I was really hoping for earlier in the week, but his schedule was full. He was thinking we would go to the hospital to have it done so he picked Saturday. Normally he just removes it in the office, but since mine was placed so high, which is good, and it's still way up there, he said he'll need some instruments at the hospital. He also mentioned that he won't be using any anesthesia and it might be uncomfortable to remove due to the placement. Oh joy...can't wait for that. I've had some spotting on and off for about a week now but my cervix is still closed and I'm not dilated at all, so he's not worried. All I can do is plug along and wait for this little guy to come.

I've also come to the realization this week that I need to start looking into daycare options. The thought makes me sick to my stomach. I know some people choose to go back to work and are happy with that decision, but I feel like it is not a choice for me. Maybe a few years ago it would have been fine for me to continue working and I may not have minded as much, but everything is different now. I can't even bear the thought of having to leave him with a stranger and thinking about it makes me depressed. I do work from home, which is great, so I was hoping for some type of nanny in the home, but after further research it seems to be financially unattainable at the moment. For those that don't already know, I also plan to selectively vaccinate and cloth diaper, which may be really tricky with certain daycare options. I know those two subjects warrant a post on it's own and I'm very passionate about both so I'm sure that will come later. :) Anyway, I'm just really starting to face reality this week and it has put me in a not so happy place. I am the only source of income for our family so I feel a lot of pressure with that. I wanted my husband to be able to follow his dream of owning a business, so that is why we are in this situation. We're in our second year with the business and have never paid ourselves a penny because we're still trying to build it up. I hate to complain and don't want to sound selfish, because I feel very blessed and lucky to be where we are, it's just a lot of pressure. All I can do is give it all to God and continue to pray about it. I guess stressing doesn't help anything! Sorry for the rant...

Maternity Photos

I wanted to share some of the maternity photos that I had taken at 31 weeks. Here are some of my favorites!

34 weeks!

Wow, another week down. From here on out, if I go into labor, they're not going to stop me, so that is scary and exciting! Contractions are all the same, but I have had some pulling and pain down there and 1 day I had a little spotting, so my OB thinks my cervix might finally be starting to change and it's pulling on the stitch. Scary! I still have another 2 weeks before the cerclage comes out so hopefully nothing major happens before then. I know someone that just had their cerclage removed and they went into labor and delivered the next day! That makes me think he could be here is 2-3 weeks. It still doesn't seem real to me...at all. I see pictures of babies born at 34 or 35 weeks and they look so cute and perfect and I keep thinking to myself "there's no way my baby could look like that". It's just so hard to imagine.

My nesting has finally kicked in, which is bad since I'm supposed to take it easy. I've been tackling little things each day, like cleaning and reorganizing the laundry room, so that I have room for the drying rack that I just ordered. I've been wanting one forever and with cloth diapers, I'm going to need one. I also cleaned and organized our home office, which was a huge task and was a little too much for one day. I paid for it big time with a ton of contractions. I also finally started washing some baby clothes and blankets so that I could pack stuff for the hospital bag. That was a huge step, although I'm still not removing any tags from the few new things I have. I'm making Rob bring in the dresser/changing table today so that I can start putting things away. That also scares me a little but I'm excited to put stuff away and the practical me really wants to get things ready. This is all so unreal to me. I can't even explain how emotionally draining it is.

Still waiting for my maternity CD, so I decided I should probably take another picture. Here I am at 34 weeks!

I also wanted to add that I'm super excited about a new book that is coming out. There is a blog I follow (see Bring the Rain on the sidebar). The author is the wife of the lead singer of a group called Selah (didn't know about them when we named the girls). They lost their daughter as well and she started a blog and she finally wrote a book about it. This sounds like the exact type of book that I was looking for after I lost each of the girls and was never able to find one. I'm actually not sure when it's coming out, but I'll be stalking Amazon, since it's on pre-order right now. Just wanted to share because I'm really excited about reading it. I think it's going to touch and bless a lot of people.

33 weeks

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers on the girl's birthday. I think I cried more the day before thinking about it than I did on the actual day. This time of year is so hard for me. Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been my favorite time of year, but I've also lost my three girls and my dad during this season. I'm just praying so hard that we can have something to celebrate and be happy about.

Another week down...not too many to go! I really don't have much to report this week. I had an appointment on Thursday and things still look good. My symptoms are all getting worse but are still normal apparently. Adding to the list are the increasing Braxton Hicks, cramps, pressure, the 'vagina ninjas' (you can imagine what these feel like), numb left side from the sciatic nerve, shortness of breath, exhaustion, and the worst heartburn I've ever had. I'm pretty sure I grunt every time I sit down or try to get up and I can barely put on socks and shoes. As annoying as all of this is, I am still relishing in the fact that I'm pregnant. I truly never imagined I would ever be this pregnant and it's amazing. I also can't believe how strong this little guy is. He kicks so hard! I love watching my belly contort to really weird shapes, like there is an alien in there trying to escape. The other day I got a kick so far on my side it was almost in my back! How in the world is he able to kick me in the back?!

So a few things my OB has told me. After 34 weeks (next Sat!), if I go into labor, they will remove the cerclage and not stop labor. That's next week! He also told me that unless there is a medical necessity, he will not induce me until I'm 41 1/2 weeks. Eeek! Please pray for in between. Cerclage is still coming out between 36-37 weeks, which is right after Thanksgiving. I cannot wait.

Sorry, no pictures this week either, but some are coming soon. I actually had some maternity pictures taken at 31 weeks and I was just able to look at them. As soon as my CD with the pictures gets here, I will post some of my favorites!

Happy Birthday Alexis & Ashlen

Well, today it has been an entire year since my girls were here. I just can't believe it was a whole year ago that I held them. It really seems like yesterday and all of the emotions that I felt on that day are still right on the surface. I miss them more than I can explain. I was going to make some cupcakes and of course didn't have the ingredients. I didn't feel like going to get them either and I really wasn't planning on leaving the house today but Rob and I decided to go out to lunch. We also decided that we would like to eventually bury all three of our girls and get a headstone made for them, since we feel like the area we live in now is where we will stay. After lunch we visited a local cemetery to get some information. I knew it was expensive but that sure was a little shocking! We have always wanted to buy some property so we're thinking that we will wait until we have some land and then bury them on our property and get a headstone at that time. I would much rather have them close than at a cemetery and then we wouldn't have to pay for a plot. And since I still haven't paid the huge hospital bill for their delivery (which I received a full 11 months after the fact!), a headstone won't be happening anytime soon. I am just as content having them here at home though, so that is where they will stay for now.

I also want to say, please think before you make comments to a grieving mother. I know everyone means well and sometimes just don't know what to say, but if I'm talking about my girls, comments that mention me being pregnant again do not make me feel any better or overshadow the fact that my girls are not here. I know I am hormonal and emotional but these comments are hurtful. Being pregnant does not make this any easier, and in fact, sometimes I think it makes it even harder. Even if I go on to have 10 healthy children here on earth, it will not take away the pain that I have three girls in heaven. If your child died and someone said, 'well, at least you have other healthy children', would that comfort you? If your mom died and someone said, 'well, at least you have your dad right?', would that comfort you? Call me crazy, but I don't think it would. People cannot be replaced. I know it may not make sense to people unless they've been there, so I don't hold it against anyone. I just want people to try and understand that certain comments just don't help. I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but I just had to say it.